Friday, October 15, 2010

Always Hope but Never Forget

In our shared journeys through infertility, most of us will experience loss. Loss comes in so many forms: loss of hope, loss of belief, loss of embryos, loss of a pregnancy, and worst of all, loss of a child. So today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I took a few moments to think of the three babies-to-be that I lost along the way. I thought of the months of treatment leading to each pregnancy, the ambivalent joy I felt at the news, and the ineffable sadness that stayed in my heart as I slowly picked up and dusted off "hope" from the rubble of my life.

When you're dealing with infertility, it feels like everyday is a loss remembrance day. But as we try to keep our chin up and fight through the pain, it's important to have a day when we can allow ourselves to feel again; to think of the what-ifs of pregnancies lost (and even cycles waisted).

Like the differences of our infertility paths, we have differences in our losses. We isolate ourselves and forget that there are countless others who are or have experienced a similar loss. The I Am The Face campaign is a visual reminder that we are one of thousands of individuals who share a pain that only those who have lost can really understand.

While the loss of my early pregnancies crushed me, I cannot even begin to imagine the loss of a late-term pregnancy and/or the loss of an infant. Once you feel that baby moving around and then actually hold him/her, a piece of you and of your heart must die with them. To look at my son today and imagine losing him at any point makes my heart ache. So when I look through the wall pictures on I Am The Face, I wonder what kind of pain is behind most of those smiling faces. I wonder how they experienced the loss. Where they are in their journeys. How they are remembering those little embryos/babies/infants.

If you're stopping by, I'd like to hear your stories of loss so I can think of you individually today.


Alex said...

Great post. I'm remembering my two little ones - one I lost as an ectopic pregnancy only 5 days after I found out I was pregnant. That baby's due date was supposed to be tomorrow. And then another baby that I lost in June at 8 1/2 weeks. I waited for a long time to get pregnant, and was overjoyed when it finally happened. I wouldn't give up the time I had with my babies for anything, but I also would never wish the pain I experienced with these losses on anyone.

Thanks for remembering yours and others today.

Baby bump bound said...

Thanks for posting this. I feel like this has been an emotional day for a lot of us and I wrote 2 posts about it. I remember my daughter "Sprout" - I lost her at 12+ weeks and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't yearn to feel her skin, smell her breath and hear her giggle. I have a friend, a fertile friend, that got the news yesterday that she lost her pregnancy - also 12+ weeks. Life is dizzying... together we will get through this. Thanks for your amazingly thoughtful posts. You are my light in so many ways!

Toni said...

Thank you for posting this. My friend lost her son this past week after birthing him 3 months early. It's been a devastating loss. Once she's ready, I'll share this link with her. I think it will help.

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