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Friday, July 20, 2012

I'm Still Here...

It's hard to believe that it's been nearly a year since I've blogged. Hard to believe in part because this blog and connecting with all of you has been such an integral part of my life.

We talk a lot of the silence of infertility and not being able to live openly with our truths. But it seems that over the course this past year, I have also failed to speak my truths. So, in order to find my way back into this loving community, I must confess that I went through an experience I never though I would ever go through: I became pregnant, just like that. I'd heard stories of couples trying for years, finally conceiving (or adopting) and then, puff! ... another baby. I'd always shrugged off those stories as fabrications to keep our hopes alive and was infuriated when others (meaning people who'd never experienced infertility) would tell me how so-and-so stopped trying and then they had a baby. Idiots!

Imagine my surprise February 2011 when I found out I was pregnant. The feelings I went through were certainly not what I would have ever expected. I was for the most part flabbergasted. I went about my days trying to analyze how this was making me feel. Happy? No. Over-joyed? No. I suppose I was so convinced that I would never conceive again (we weren't trying, I have one tube, PCOS and MFI) that finding out that there was another being growing inside of me left me dismayed.

I took the next few months (nearly 5!) trying to process that we were going to have another baby. I was thinking of how I would break the news to my circle of women who I'd brought together as part of my peer-led support group. How I would share the news with the rest of you -- readers, bloggers, commenters. After all, this blog is not about my personal journey, it was created to bring you information from the perspective of someone who's made it to the other side. And so, I remained silent {I did obviously come out to my support group}, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. Perhaps also fearing that you would not feel safe anymore to share your stories with me because now I had become the "other."

As my due date approached, I decided to finally embrace my baby and needed some time to disconnect from all that was infertility. And then, in early October, my surprise baby girl was born. I have spent the last few months, mostly in complete chaos, caring for my kids, helping my son adjust to his new life as a big brother and move into a new home. It has been hectic, to say the least and yet, it all seems so "normal." It's almost as though I am living someone else's life -- like the infertile-me is looking through the mother-of-two-me in complete awe of how things turned out. So that's how others were living their lives while I was going in for daily blood work and injecting myself with countless drugs just a few years back.

I have not stopped thinking of all of you and quietly checked in with your stories. I cried for those who lost their babies and lots their hope. And jumped for joy at your birth announcements.

I'm not sure if I have any readers left. I do know that my passion for this struggle has no waned in the slightest despite my great blessings. I will continue to write with the hopes that I can help, if only in a small way, those of you who turn to me for guidance and support.

With love,
The Infertility Doula (SM).

14 comments:

lady pumpkin said...

Still here. :) Mazel tov. xoxo

Gurlee said...

Wow, congratulations!

It is sad that you were not able to share your joyful news sooner, I know it can be a double edged sword in this community. Personally, I always found your type of story very inspiring! You defied IF and were able to achieve something so many of us long for.

Don't be a stranger. Show us and tell us about your newest blessing!

Stupid Stork said...

Hey there!

Just popping over from ICLW - so I hope you do stay and write!

People need stories about people who fought and came out the other side... stick around!

Ducky said...

Congrats! You have what we all want, and don't be worried about sharing it with us!!

ICLW #27

It Is What It Is said...

Thanks for popping by my blog.

Wow, what a long time away and what a roller coaster. I, too, always struggled when reading of spontaneous pregnancy after treatment. I have followed the journeys of many 'oops' and for those that have struggled with infertility, the road to embracing their joy has often taken some time. Infertiles are programmed differently so I would imagine there is a 'coming to terms'.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy and the birth of your daughter. I hope you'll continue to find your voice here, perhaps chronicling coming to terms and embracing your pregnancy and your daughter. There are so many things to share (mothering two, mothering a boy and a girl, becoming a family of 4, championing IF even if you've completed your family, etc and so on).

jill's infertility document said...

Welcome back with many congrats. Happy ICLW.

Shelley @ Tales from the Waiting Room said...

Wow! I love stories like this, they give me so much hope that somehow, some way, this will work out for us. Congratulations on your little miracle and welcome back!

Amber said...

Congrats!! That is such amazing news. I always enjoyed reading your posts. I'm glad to see you back.

missohkay said...

I was thinking of you recently and hoping things were going well. Congratulations! Hope to keep seeing you around :)

Ali @ Not All Dreams Are Free said...

I just came across your blog through ICLW, and what an amazing story! I also became pregnant last year as a surprise when we were also thinking we were both infertile (PCOS and MFI). Unfortunately I miscarried, but it took that 'surprise' pregnancy to begin our serious quest to become parents through IVF. Your story is just mind-boggling and very gently described. I look forward to your continued updates, and thank you for coming back!

Liddy said...

Welcome back! I took a long blogging hiatus and I was pleasantly surprised how many people were still there and still reading.

An ICLW Visit from #63
liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, 1st 2ww)

Augusta said...

Welcome back and WOW! That's great news about your daughter arriving last October.
I like reading your blog and I'm glad you are back.

Ren said...

Congrats on the birth of your daughter.

ICLW #33

Nico said...

So nice to hear from you! Congrats on your daughter too :) Our third (IVF this time) was born in April. I think it's especially cool that it was a surprise. xo

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