The Birds and the Bees: An Infertility Story

If good comedy is rooted in pain, well I guess EMD Serono (division of Merck), makers of Gonal-F and Ovidrel, have nailed it. As part of a guerilla marketing campaign, EMD Serono has launched these five web-videos available on the dedicated website, IncreaseYourChances.org. The site then links to a more educational site, Fertility Lifelines.

We follow along the story of Neil and Karen, a bee and a bird, who are desperately trying to conceive. With a dash of poignant humor, the web-videos touch upon the many emotional issues that infertility stirs in us. From attending baby showers to sex-on-demand to the toll that it takes on a marriage.

Browsing through the various sites to glean some of the reactions, I was happily surprised to find that most people appreciated the positive step that this campaign was taking -- making the IF struggle public, opening the door for dialogue and highlighting the everyday anguish. But, some found the spots offensive and belittling the terrible heartache that is infertility. Some suggested that advertisers would never make fun of ED, for instance.

If I were to put my former-TTC cap on, I am quickly reminded of my hyper-sensitivity and my inability to deal with anything that reminded me of our "failures." Yes, pharmaceutical ads don't usually parody illnesses, so why should infertility turn into a joke? But, if I were to put my former-ad-girl and now hindsight-20/20-girl hats on (Ok, I realize that's two hats, but work with me here), I would say the web-videos are rooted in true insight, and the use of humor makes the stories more accessible -- they stay with you; the little details, the nervous laughs. Furthermore, this campaign has tremendous legs (ad speak for opportunities to do more in other media). Perhaps we will continue to follow Neil and Karen on their journey as they do see an fertility specialist, hence further expanding on the countless ways in which infertility affects a couple's lives. And I actually applaud EMD Serono for allowing themselves to be taken outside the box of traditional pharma advertising (good creatives and account people at that ad agency!).

I want to hear from you. What did you think about the campaign?




P.S. Thank you to my fellow blogger, This is More Personal, for sharing these videos.

The Invisible Line of Infertility

For better or for worse, infertility does not discriminate. It knows no creed, gender, age, race, socio-economic status or political affiliation. As I look down the list of this month's (and every month's) ICLW participating bloggers, all I see is a sea of women (I would also include men, but I haven't see any yet) who are suffering quietly in real-life and hoping to find a voice in the virtual one. We support one another, commiserate, laugh, bitch, sometimes shed a few tears and even express genuine joy for much deserved pregnancies. And yet, I occasionally, notice an invisible line that forms, creating almost individual infertile groups in a subconscious race for who will have suffered most and deserved that child most when all is said and done.

You know the lines I'm talking about -- young vs. old(er); first vs. secondary-infertility; those who can conceive but can't maintain pregnancies vs. those who can't conceive without ART; those who are TTC naturally vs. the ones who have done countless ART cycles; those who are doing IUIs vs. those who are doing IVF; even the amount of years it has taken to conceive. Some of these "us vs. them" stances are overt, others are subtle, while many are hidden somewhere in the mess that infertility has left behind when it ravaged our lives.

But like family, as disfunctional as it always is, we are the first ones to come to each other's rescue regardless of our differences and the details of our journeys. I am honored to be sitting at the same table as all of you. Here, on this blog, I welcome each and everyone of you -- happy to help, discuss and listen. I'm sure it goes without saying that at the end of this ordeal, what we really want is to belong to the motherhood club and see each other's familiar faces at that same table, and toast as we acknowledge that we wouldn't have gotten there without this strong community.

Happy ICLW!

Living in Uncertainty: A Deja-Vu

I've been reminded again at how terrible I am with uncertainty. For the last 6 months, we've been on edge, wondering if we are staying in NY or moving to another state. This not only involves moving our whole lives to a new place, but also losing our support system, friends, family, for what may be an amazing opportunity for DH's career and for our finances. Looking back on this period, has made me realize that I have a coping system that I had used while TTC and that even in this completely unrelated scenario, I find myself doing again. It's almost like my 12-steps, although no sponsor is there to get me back on track when I lose my way.

When faced with a big news, I initially experience a moment of shock, which involves a lot of "I can't do this!", followed by some tears of panic. Then, I start absorbing the news and start thinking of how I can pro-actively overcome the situation. Like during my time of TTC, I research. Yes, research is my salvation. It's the only way I know how to cope with things that are out of my control. I feel empowered by knowledge and somehow, this knowledge brings me to a more accepting state -- "Ok, maybe I can do this!" 

During this research process, I feel compelled to share everything with DH. Poor guy, he comes home at the end of a long day and has to listen to me go on and on about this one topic. I guess by sharing all this new info with him, I'm looking for validation that I'm on the right track and even finding out about a new angle that I may not have covered.  

Once I feel that I have scoured the internet and available literature, I sit there and put things on a balance. Pros and cons. I make lists (mostly mental ones) of various scenarios; plan Bs, Cs and Ds. And I draft action-steps that will get me to the finish line... that I can just as quickly shred to pieces to reenter the world of panic. 

Vacillating back and forth, I eventually reach a point of exhaustion, where I become incapable of thinking straight; where I need someone else to make decision for me. And then, I wake up one day, unable to do anything useful -- even writing this blog that I enjoy so much seems like a challenge. Like a prisoner of my own thoughts, I wait for sentencing day (you can equate this part of the last days of the 2 week wait). During that time, I feel like my life is on pause. I imagine myself in the middle of a busy highway, while people/cars are just whizzing by. During my days of TTC, it was people going about their lives, having kids (that I couldn't have) and careers (that I could no longer handle), while I, stuck in one position by some invisible chains, stand there, completely incredulous that despite my best efforts (remember all that amazing research?!) have no control over the situation. 

I thought I had learned my lesson after coping with the uncertainties of infertility for all those years, but turns out I have still much to learn. Life is filled with obstacles that are meant to make you think, act, and reinvent yourself even. 

I realize that the uncertainty I'm living with now is nothing compared to the uncertainties of infertility. In fact, I am sometimes ashamed that I would even make a big deal out of this impending move, but in the spirit of self-acceptance, I have to let myself go through my own coping process, even if I know deep down that in the end, I will get to the other side of this journey, just as you, dear bloggers/readers will get to the other side of yours. 

News: CDC Videos on A.R.T.

Brief news update: The CDC, along with contributions from Aetna, have launched three videos on their site addressing different aspects of A.R.T.

The first video primarily focuses on the importance of being healthy prior to TTC and during pregnancy. Ways to increasing your odds to conceive and sustain a healthy pregnancy. The second video deals with the resources available to patients through the CDC. As I'd explained in an earlier entry, you can obtain SART reports for the IVF clinics in your local area. What this video provides is further understanding on how to read and interpret the data available to you. Lastly, the third video makes the case for single embryo transfers -- dealing with the complications of multiple gestation and the improvement in the technology to be more confident in single embryo transfers.

Despite the relatively poor quality production (Ok, so I'm a bit of a production snob after working in advertising and fashion) and dry delivery, I found the information to be relevant and accessible to those of us who are just getting started on the IF roller coaster. And the fact that the CDC and an insurance company (Aetna) have joined efforts to shed more light on IF treatments gives me hope that we can begin to discuss these issues more openly. Who knows, perhaps our law makers will also be more sympathetic to our struggles and make IF coverage a mandate in all states. One can always hope, right?

Cleaning Out My Infertile Past

In the spirit of cleaning out the clutter that has taken over my house since we started our IF journey and now further solidified by the presence of a toddler, I decided to venture into that corner of my house that is filled with stacks of papers and files that would put any hoarder to shame.

Sifting through the towers upon towers of papers, I found myself surrounded by my past. In one corner I had all the brochures and pamphlets handed out during the "Welcome!" meetings at the countless IF clinics we'd visited. Whether it was to find a clinic to start a cycle or a clinic to get a second opinion, they seem to contain the same information immortalized by the cliché family and baby pictures. I used to work in advertising, so I can appreciate the importance aspirational imagery, but I personally always found those pictures tough to look at (Will that ever be us?). And somehow, even today, as the picture perfect families were staring back at me, they brought back all of the sadness that they used to stir up in me.

Then in another corner were my medical records, dating back to my first visit to a new OB/Gyn. We had moved out of the city and purchased a house to fill with children (Ha!). The basic medical information quickly turned into extensive test results, ultrasounds, semen analyses, surgeries, IUI and IVF cycles. I had made meticulous notes of each cycle -- I guess treating that chapter of my life as the biggest PhD thesis helped me stay as sane as possible. Amongst the pages after pages of notes, time tables and consent forms were the pictures of the embryos that were at once my only tangible hope, only to always become the sources of my greatest despair.  There they were, our first two embryos; DH even has arrows pointing at them with each of their names. Eventually we got wiser and never named them again, but after every transfer, I would keep that black and white print out of our embryos by my bedside and wonder what kind of kids they'll become.

In the final pile were the receipts from the clinics, the labs, the anesthesia, the freezing of embryos, and of course the medications. As if it weren't bad enough that IF rips a hole through your heart, it also rips a hole in your pocket. When we bought our house, we knew it would need all sorts of repairs, but once the cost of IF treatments became an undeniable reality, we put everything on hold. Being the optimist that he is, DH would want to keep things moving along with our house (It's going to happen! Let's just fix these windows), but I would sternly stop him; reminding him that we don't know when our treatments will end and that we need to hold on to this money for our baby. Well, today we do have our miracle boy, and yes, our bathrooms are still outdated, but it was the best money we'd ever spent (and unlike the housing market, things around here only trend upwards).

So now, almost 3 years since my BFP, I only have two piles: one for recycling and the other for shredding. Somehow I think I'm going to have a hard time letting the pictures of the children (embryos) that never were slip through the sharp blades of my shredder. I think in the end, I'll have to stash them somewhere deep in my desk drawer to be rediscovered many years from now.

That corner of my home office looks tidy and clean now; yet empty somehow.

A Case Against Infertility Treatments

One of the things I love most about this brave new world of blogging is that I get to read some truly diverse points of view on everything from what makes the perfect chocolate souffle to what the future holds in the land of international politics. So, when I came across this blog entry I felt compelled to share it with all of you. Now, I must warn you that it may stir some violent reactions when you read it (Keep that mug away from your computer. I wouldn't want you to throw it into your screen and then you can't read my blog anymore. Sniff!) but keep reading -- and of course, share your thoughts with me, I know you'll have many.

Writer and comedian Jessi Klein just turned 35. And in the land of (in)fertility we know what that means. During her most recent visit to her gynecologist, she was confronted with the idea of freezing her eggs. You see, Jessi isn't in a committed relationship, and a baby isn't in her plans at this time. In her latest blog entry on The Daily Beast, Jessi makes her case against seeking infertility treatments. For one, making her body do something it doesn't want to do seems wrong to her, plus she hates needles. Second, the cost of treatments could be better used for other things. Third, as she enters this new milestone of 35, Jessi has decided that she will never be "desperate" enough for anything. That she will take life as it comes, with or without a baby. And should she want a baby some day, then she'll pursue adoption.

Jessi concludes, "If I have one wish for this birthday, is that 35 is the end of desperation and the beginning of acceptance." Well that's very nicely said. But if with age comes wisdom, I'm not sure that Jessi has truly attained that level of maturity and wisdom just yet. You see, she claims that she knows "plenty of women in their late thirties and early forties who are having happy, healthy, gnocchi-tushed babies." I'm afraid Jessi's friendships must not be deep and meaningful ones, because I have a sneaking suspicion that most or at least some of her older-mommy friends must have struggled with IF, but probably never told her. I guess I can't blame Jessi for not being educated since many women fall for the illusion that we can have babies easily at any age (Are you up to date with your People Mag subscription?!). In fact, recently, Giuliana Rancic -- TV host on E! who interviews celebs -- appeared on "The View" and talked about how "duped" she felt by the celebrities she's interviewed, who were having babies at a later age and making it seem as easy as apple pie. Of course, us infertiles know better. We've learned our lesson (so has Giuliana, by the way). It's not that easy; not even close.

In her same theme of acceptance, Jessi doesn't want to force her body to do something it doesn't want to do. If only infertility were that simple. Should Jessi ever change her mind and actually want a biological offspring, I sure hope she has her next boyfriend's sperm tested or doesn't get too upset over recurring miscarriages. Or maybe she'll just chalk it up to, "it just wasn't meant to be." You know, since she's not the desperate kind and all.

Jessi does leave a window open for motherhood someday (although, I think it's a bad idea in her case): "And if I still want a baby, I'll try to adopt. Which doesn't seem like a very bad way to go at all." Ahhh, the old, "why don't you just adopt?!" I love that one, don't you? I don't think we're all vain-crazies who only want a child that is biologically ours because we think we're just that special. We simply want to be parents and some of us have actually explored adoption (I did). If and when Jessi does someday decide to pursue adoption, she's in for a big surprise: the waiting, the disappointment, and then more waiting, oh and of course the thousands of dollars spent (which apparently could be spent on better things).

In truth, Jessi probably isn't meant to be a mother. And if she can be honest with herself, I'll applaud her for that. I see way too many women who think they want children only to appoint a full-time nanny to rear their kids while they get their nails done. Jessi -- and apparently, Oprah -- not only doesn't understand why we would subject ourselves to the physical and mental beating of infertility treatments, but finds it rather "annoying." I wish her new found self-aceptance would develop into an acceptance of others. Maybe next year.

So, happy birthday Jessi... You still have much to learn. I look forward to the day when you realize that maybe you should have listened to your gyno or at least taken the time to know us, "desperate" women (and men).

Stress And Infertility

How many times have we heard "Just relax, it will happen" and have felt the urge to smack that person? Well, for me, there were too many instances than I could count. When you're struggling to conceive, naturally or via the help of an infertility clinic, stress just becomes a big part of the whole equation. I don't see how you can possibly avoid it when each month hinges on that evil HPT to tell us whether we've finally done it.

A new study shows that apparently there is a direct correlation between stress and one's chances of conception. Women who had high levels of the enzyme alpha-amylase (a biological indicator for stress) were 12 % less likely to conceive each month than those who had low levels of the enzyme. In fact, even low levels of the enzyme were indicative of hampering one's chances to get a BFP. I'm not sure how statistically significant the result of this study is, but it's certainly worth taking notice.

Statistics are all well and good, but when practically all women who suffer from IF seem to be Type-A, managing and accepting stress becomes a great challenge. We just seem to be surrounded by things and people that remind us of our struggles and our pain. Stress, at that point, almost becomes a nefarious coping mechanism. It's difficult to even make time to find outlets to relieve our stress, but if we can finally look at stress relief as yet another tool to help us conceive, perhaps we won't see it as such a futile exercise. I don't think that being stress-free will be the magical bullet that will finally allow you to conceive, but in the spirit of coping with IF in the most ideal way possible, finding ways to reduce your stress is worthwhile.

Some fertility clinics are better than others at providing stress reduction guidance. Whether you are able to tap into the resources offered by your clinic, or you're just going to research it on your own, there are numerous ways that you can relieve some of the tension and anxiety that's eating at you (and at your fertility). For one, yoga and meditation. The ability to breath and reconnect with your body will have a long term benefit (even when you finally do have kids) when coping with stress. As I've suggested before, seeking therapy is essential when you're unable to get out of your own head. A third party perspective and guidance may give you a renewed sense of acceptance of yourself. Lastly, this might actually be the perfect time to explore a hobby or interest you've had -- take a cooking class or an art class. Anything that allows you, even if for a couple of hours, to get back in touch with your old self; you remember her don't you? She's still in there, I promise.

How do you cope with the stress of infertility? Please share, as this may help others who are struggling.