"Is that your grandchild? How cute!" asks a woman to another at the playground as they watch the toddlers running around. "No, that's my child," answers the 63 year old woman. Yes! You read it correctly. I am talking about women becoming mothers at an age when most women become grandparents.
"Pregnant at 70" aired on TLC last night and I've been racking my brain trying to answer two basic questions: 1) What is the lasting impression I got from the show? and 2) How am I going to write about it? And frankly, I don't think I have a good answer to either... Sure, I am writing about it, but this entry is going to be a free-flowing one, so bare with me.
Before watching the show, I had a pretty good idea about what I might want to say, but now, I'm really torn. Before I go on any further I should probably give you a synopsis of the show (unfortunately I am not able to find a link to the show, but it will air again tonight at midnight, so set your DVRs!): We follow 4 women, who through IVF and egg donation, became mothers at a very late age. Lauren has a 30 year-old daughter and 3 young children. Her 5-year-old was born when Lauren was 58. Two years later, she delivered her twins. Sue, an English woman, gave birth to her daughter at 57 and now at almost 60 is considering having a second one. Rajo, from a remote village in India, is the oldest woman to ever give birth to her first child at the age of 70. Janise from California was pregnant at 59 and again at 62, and already had 10 kids from two previous marriages. Is your head spinning yet?
The love that all four women have for their children is undeniable. These women, like most women who conceive with the help of ART, were unwavering in their desire to become mothers. They struggled with disappointments and loss, but persevered. They are all devoted mothers and all determined to remain (relatively) healthy in order to be truly present for their children. My broad stroke observation ends here; that was the easy part. Now the questions bubble up and I can't even keep them straight.
How old is too old be become a mother? In the US, where ART treatments are not regulated by a governmental body, there is no age limit to treating a patient. In England, where certain laws are in place, 50 is the cut-off. What would happen if in America we decided to begin legislating and regulating ART treatments? How will we decide when you're just too old to be a mother? Already, most clinics are likely to turn away patients over 42 -- after all, older women are more challenging cases and that's not good for the clinic's success rates and bottom line. But who and how will they pick that finally number? Sure, logic might dictate that if you're post-menopausal, you probably should no longer have a baby. But wait a minute, what about all the younger women who have premature ovarian failure? I guess technically speaking, they aren't really producing any or very few eggs, so should they be lumped in there with the older women? Of course not, because after all one has to assess your ability to carry the baby to term without jeopardizing your and your baby's life. But wait a minute, then what about younger mothers who have diabetes or other health problem? Their risks of complications are higher and children born to mothers with diabetes are twice as likely to be born with a birth defect. Hmmm... so back to the drawing board.
My instinct when I first heard of the show was to categorize these women as selfish. To quote Janise, the mother of 12 children: "When Adam is 8, I'll be 70. When I'm 80 he'll be 18 ... and when I'm 100, I probably won't know how old he is!" For the sake of their children, I do wish all of these older moms a long, healthy life. But realistically, most of them won't probably see their children graduate college or get married. As much as they seem quite determined to stick around for a while ( Lauren takes upwards of 35 vitamins daily!), they are all suffering from the natural ailments that come with old age. Lauren has arthritis and has her 41-year-old husband diapering and bathing the kids. Sue suffers from multiple health problems that have had her in and out the hospital. Sure, those of us who conceived or are trying conceive before our boobs hit our knees don't have a guarantee that we won't get hit by a bus tomorrow or get terminal cancer, but to knowingly bring a life into this world when you have already lived over 3/4 of your life, I'm not sure what that says about the kind of future you are setting up for your children. Will your 10-year-old come home to a frail mother and be forced to take care of you as you physically and mentally deteriorate before her/his eyes? Will he/she feel abandoned because you passed away before he/she got her learner's permit?
The Indian doctor, who treated 70-year-old Rajo, made a thought provoking comment, "older parents make better parents." The Indian doctor's argument is that older parents have the time and desire to dedicate every moment to their children. To a certain extent, that's probably true, although being absent because you're trying to make ends meet shouldn't disqualify you from being recognized as a good parent. I wonder if these older mothers' devotion to their children is more a result of their life long desire to have children rather than their age. In other words, are all women who suffered through infertility or loss are destined to be more devoted mothers?
As you can see, unlike my usual entries, I don't have any answers, advice or even a clear opinion for that matter. Just questions leading to more questions. I'm just as perplexed by it all as you probably are right now. I'd love to hear from you.
