Infertility on Reality Television: Giuliana & Bill

I never quite understood the whole reality TV craze. To me, it's like a watching a giant train wreck: it's horrible to see and yet you can't look away. Of course, being the jaded consumers that we are, we know that so-called reality shows are not truly real (unnecessary drama will be added to the mix to keep it all interesting). Especially those that involve pseudo celebrities making fools of themselves. Whether they "invite" us into their homes or show off a few dance moves, we enjoy watching them unravel. Behind the bleached-teeth smiles and meticulously managed personas, they are like just like us: flawed in every way.

So when the Giuliana and Bill show started (now in its third season), I seriously had not interested in watching yet another celebrity couple vanish into the failed-Hollywood-marriages-heaven (or hell). Giuliana DePandi, host of E! and "Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic brought in cameras to follow them as they learn the juggle their public careers, a young marriage, all while flying back and forth between LA and Chicago. Well, I wished them good luck and moved on. 

Then I started hearing about their struggles to conceive and finally saw them speak out about it on "The View" during a show dedicated to infertility. So much about that episode bothered me but I'm not going to go into details here. What stayed with me was Giuliana and Bill's appearance and their openness about their difficulty to conceive. I was pleasantly surprised to see them be so open about it and glad that they didn't shy away from pointing the finger at their fellow Hollywood crowd for creating the perception that one can conceive whenever, with whom ever -- Giuliana talked about feeling duped by it all. 

Again through the rumor-mill teasing this season of the show, I came to find out that they had made their first attempt at IVF and that they had experienced a miscarriage. That's when I finally set my DVR to record the show and observe how the process of IVF, early pregnancy and miscarriage would be handled on national television.

The first episode of this season was their first foray into the world of IVF. There were genuine moments of fear, love and pain. What hit home (as I'm sure it will for you as well) was the part when Giuliana and Bill were trying to figure out their schedule to start IVF, and Bill pointed out all the conflicts he had with his speaking engagements/appearances. Giuliana then confronted him and reminded him that they need to be in this together and that the success of cycle must come first. I saw that this couple was for real -- Bill explained himself (wanting to provide for his family) and cleared his schedule. You get a gold star, Bill.

As they started their cycle, there was the shock of the amount of medications (read, injections) involved with an IVF cycle. Unfortunately, you never saw them taking the shots, nor could you even fathom how many are involved to make a cycle move along. Then there was the egg retrieval and embryo transfers. Perhaps because of their celeb status or maybe they have an ultra-friendly RE, but all the kisses on the cheeks and the warm smiles and the extensive personal attention took away from the clinical and austereness of the IVF experience. Maybe I'm just jealous that the most I go from my REs were sympathetic smiles from across the desk during my WTF meetings. 

Watching the show kind of reminded me of TV shows that misrepresent the way some careers work in real life; like how advertising agencies or hospitals function. You get a taste for the drama of it all but if you're in that field, you shake your head and say, "That would never happen!" So I go back to my initial point, reality-TV is not real. It's dramatized, edited and simplified for the masses. While Giuliana and Bill Rancic teased the show by openly admitting their infertility, the show in the way it depicted an IVF cycle wasn't nearly as real as it should have been. Certainly this is not an IVF documentary but an entertainment show (it's on The Style Network!), but here's a chance to televise a young couples journey through infertility and the physical (and financial, for many of us) toll of IVF was treated like an underpaid extra. 

What was genuine and felt un-dramatized were the emotional reactions of the Rancics, especially Giuliana's. Her fears were very clear. After all it is her body that will experience the hormonal upheavals. She unabashedly craved the attention she deserved during her recovery period. As a couple, they had to come clean to their families (or at least to Giuliana's mom) about the cycle. And after the transfer, there was that naive hope that we all have experienced after our first foray into the world of A.R.T. -- what should we name the baby/babies? OMG, what if we have twins! Let's get a baby name book! Let's buy a house in the 'burbs.

What made the announcement of a positive pregnancy test most heart breaking is to know how this all ends for this young couple. Like a train wreck, it's awful and yet I can't look away.  

A Case Against Infertility Treatments

One of the things I love most about this brave new world of blogging is that I get to read some truly diverse points of view on everything from what makes the perfect chocolate souffle to what the future holds in the land of international politics. So, when I came across this blog entry I felt compelled to share it with all of you. Now, I must warn you that it may stir some violent reactions when you read it (Keep that mug away from your computer. I wouldn't want you to throw it into your screen and then you can't read my blog anymore. Sniff!) but keep reading -- and of course, share your thoughts with me, I know you'll have many.

Writer and comedian Jessi Klein just turned 35. And in the land of (in)fertility we know what that means. During her most recent visit to her gynecologist, she was confronted with the idea of freezing her eggs. You see, Jessi isn't in a committed relationship, and a baby isn't in her plans at this time. In her latest blog entry on The Daily Beast, Jessi makes her case against seeking infertility treatments. For one, making her body do something it doesn't want to do seems wrong to her, plus she hates needles. Second, the cost of treatments could be better used for other things. Third, as she enters this new milestone of 35, Jessi has decided that she will never be "desperate" enough for anything. That she will take life as it comes, with or without a baby. And should she want a baby some day, then she'll pursue adoption.

Jessi concludes, "If I have one wish for this birthday, is that 35 is the end of desperation and the beginning of acceptance." Well that's very nicely said. But if with age comes wisdom, I'm not sure that Jessi has truly attained that level of maturity and wisdom just yet. You see, she claims that she knows "plenty of women in their late thirties and early forties who are having happy, healthy, gnocchi-tushed babies." I'm afraid Jessi's friendships must not be deep and meaningful ones, because I have a sneaking suspicion that most or at least some of her older-mommy friends must have struggled with IF, but probably never told her. I guess I can't blame Jessi for not being educated since many women fall for the illusion that we can have babies easily at any age (Are you up to date with your People Mag subscription?!). In fact, recently, Giuliana Rancic -- TV host on E! who interviews celebs -- appeared on "The View" and talked about how "duped" she felt by the celebrities she's interviewed, who were having babies at a later age and making it seem as easy as apple pie. Of course, us infertiles know better. We've learned our lesson (so has Giuliana, by the way). It's not that easy; not even close.

In her same theme of acceptance, Jessi doesn't want to force her body to do something it doesn't want to do. If only infertility were that simple. Should Jessi ever change her mind and actually want a biological offspring, I sure hope she has her next boyfriend's sperm tested or doesn't get too upset over recurring miscarriages. Or maybe she'll just chalk it up to, "it just wasn't meant to be." You know, since she's not the desperate kind and all.

Jessi does leave a window open for motherhood someday (although, I think it's a bad idea in her case): "And if I still want a baby, I'll try to adopt. Which doesn't seem like a very bad way to go at all." Ahhh, the old, "why don't you just adopt?!" I love that one, don't you? I don't think we're all vain-crazies who only want a child that is biologically ours because we think we're just that special. We simply want to be parents and some of us have actually explored adoption (I did). If and when Jessi does someday decide to pursue adoption, she's in for a big surprise: the waiting, the disappointment, and then more waiting, oh and of course the thousands of dollars spent (which apparently could be spent on better things).

In truth, Jessi probably isn't meant to be a mother. And if she can be honest with herself, I'll applaud her for that. I see way too many women who think they want children only to appoint a full-time nanny to rear their kids while they get their nails done. Jessi -- and apparently, Oprah -- not only doesn't understand why we would subject ourselves to the physical and mental beating of infertility treatments, but finds it rather "annoying." I wish her new found self-aceptance would develop into an acceptance of others. Maybe next year.

So, happy birthday Jessi... You still have much to learn. I look forward to the day when you realize that maybe you should have listened to your gyno or at least taken the time to know us, "desperate" women (and men).