Sex-On-Demand

There is nothing that will kill your sex-life faster than sex-on-demand. Once the fun of the first few months of trying wear-off, you will quickly find yourself in the land of sex-on-demand.

Taking charge of your fertility also means that you are now timing your ovulation and you want to have sex at the right times, on the right days. You are on a mission. You're not messing around anymore. And while your partner may happily oblige initially (what man turns down sex?), he will soon surprise you by saying he has a headache. What?! Yup, the roles are now reversed: you want sex (well, admit it, you really just want to get pregnant) and he is starting to feel used (which, I guess he is. Shhh...) and pressured. 

While you might try to let it go once and try to spice things up the next time, it's very likely that you will start to resent your partner for not "contributing." I certainly did and it showed. I slowly became withdrawn and passive-aggressive, which made DH less interested in sex and me even more resentful. And there you have it, the vicious-cycle of sex-on-demand. Faint cracks start to show in your marriage and this is only the beginning... It won't always be that way, but some couples decide to go their separate ways, unable to handle the pressure of infertility. You will read in later posts what we went through and how we came out on the other side of it, stronger. 

Try, try again...

I remember when DH and I decided that it was time for us to have a baby: we had sex all the time. I think we were filled with the excitement of starting a new life together (in our new home, that we bought to have a family in). It was fun and easy. When nothing happened on that first try, we said, “It’s ok. We have time. More sex, please!” Then the second month came and went, as did the third. By that point, I was starting to get concerned. That’s when I decided to read up on things and purchased Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health. Knowledge is power and now I was on a mission.

After a few months go by and still no pregnancy, a certain level of worry starts to creep in. Some of us just bury ourselves into work and hope things will right themselves. Others (like yours truly) want to know why nothing’s happened yet. It’s the beginning of what could be a long, tough road.

The medical journals recommend that women under 35 try up to a year and those over 35 can try up to 6 months before seeking help. I don’t know about you, but I hate wasting time. I say, if nothing’s happened in 3-4 months, go see your OB/GYN. Don’t let them send you home without ordering some basic tests. Have them check your ovarian reserve (FSH), your progesterone (P4), your estrogen (E2) and luteinizing hormone (LH), which you need to ovulate, and get a thorough ultrasound check. If all looks good, then it’s time for your partner so get a semen analysis.

Don’t sit on the sidelines. After all, this is YOUR fertility. 

Are you doing it right? Conception 101

You’re probably thinking, “Come on, are you seriously going to tell me how to have sex?!” Well, not exactly, but before we discuss anything else about infertility, I want to make sure you’re timing things correctly. Many couples think they’re having trouble conceiving when all they really need is to know a little more about the basics of timing sex and ovulation.

Most women’s cycles are 28-30 days. This period is broken up into two phases:

• The follicular phase is from Day 1 (Spotting doesn’t count. We’re talking enough fluids to dirty a pad) of your period to ovulation.
• The luteal phase is from ovulation to your next period.

Once the egg is released from your fallopian tube, it will only stick around for a maximum of 24 hours. So what we want is to have intercourse a few days prior to ovulation (and on the day of ovulation), since sperm can live up to 5 days (if it’s in the right medium – more on that later).

There are several ways to figure out how long your cycles are in total and how long your follicular and luteal phases last respectively. One way is to chart your waking temperature (you need to do this for 3 months to have a clear grasp of your cycles). The second is check your cervix and the cervical fluids (it’s the “medium” I mentioned above. You’re looking for an raw egg-white like consistency). Lastly, you can purchase an ovulation detector kit from a drugstore (just follow the instructions on the box).

So assuming that your cycles are 28 days, then starting on Day 10 you want to have sex every other day. Unlike what some people think, in this case it’s not quantity (i.e., having intercourse every day) but quality (i.e., healthy sperm) that counts. Having sex everyday will actually diminish the quantity and quality of the sperm. Your egg is not going to stick around for tired sperm, so give your partner a rest.

After ovulation, your luteal phase should be around 14 days. If it seems that your cycles are very short, it may be that your body is not producing enough progesterone (P4). If that’s the case, you’ve got your first red flag. Luckily for you, it can be easily rectified by some progesterone supplements.

You want to take your first pregnancy test (HPT)on the day or one day after your period is due. I know the latest HPTs claim that they can detect a pregnancy up to 5 days before your period, but your body could be producing lower levels of pregnancy hormones (Hcg) that the test might not be able to detect that early on. More on the nightmare of pregnancy tests later.

So there you have it: Conception 101. If you want me to elaborate on any specifics above, just let me know. If you have time, I would highly recommend that you get this book:Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health